she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
