Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
