Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
