I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
