We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
