They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We need to rekindle our bromance
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I love you.
Bad choice
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