The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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