i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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