I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize