it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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