I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize