Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
