is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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