Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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