There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize