Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
