I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
