FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize