i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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