just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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