I looked at my own cervix.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
