Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
