I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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