should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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