i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
