i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
