If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
