well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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