i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
foreskin is a definite game changer
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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