i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
