Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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