Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
