I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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