STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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