I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
