Barsexuality is the new black.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
