the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
