Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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