4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dear god my vagina.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
