dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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