My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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