U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
