I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
