Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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