somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
