he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
