Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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