I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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