Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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