My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
