Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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