Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
