I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
